Purpose?

For as long as I can remember, I’ve felt this long lasting desire to find my ‘purpose’. As cliche, cheesy or silly as that sounds, like a song from Avenue Q, (cause it is). It’s been this Gap inside of me that I just can’t seem to fill. 

Sure, I’m a mother, and that gives me purpose, to care for other human beings who can’t care for themselves, that’s huge. But it’s not the same. I want to make a mark in the world, do something that I’m proud of, fulfilled by, happy about. 

I’m the queen of inconsistency. I don’t follow through with things very well, and Ive quit a lot of things. I’m not sure if it’s lack of inspiration half way through, always seeking a new joy, the desire for change, or pure laziness, but there is something that is always there, holding me back. And I dont like that feeling. Of being a ‘quitter’ of feeling like I’m ‘failing’ or that I’m just not good enough. It leads to a vicious cycle of feelings, and honestly some pretty depressed times. 

I want to feel constant & good about something. These days as I mom I just feel insane, cleaning the same shit up over & over and yelling at smaller versions on my husband and myself. My brain power is used up answering constant ‘whys’, repeating the same things over and over & thinking about when bedtime is. 

I’m a Virgo, but am by no means organized like one. I love lists, and planners and journals. But again, am inconsistent with them all. I’ll sit down and get everything all set out, in hopes that this time it will be something that sticks, when it only lasts a few days, and then I go back to feeling spaced and frustrated because I’m not going anywhere. 

So, it just makes me stop & think. Have i just not found ‘it’ yet? My purpose, my consistency for something, my happiness in doing something & sticking with it? 

I’m hoping that’s it, and it’s not just the way my life cycles around. Doing a bit of that, then moving on to something else, leaving everything half finished, half assed. 

I guess I’ll just keep searching. Keep trying, keep dreaming. And then maybe, one day, it will fall into my lap, and I’ll be like “Hello, I’ve been waiting for you”. 

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